There are more and more excellent services available for older adults all the time. Many organizations provide telephone and Internet services that are big time-savers in locating exactly the kind of care you are seeking. Finding care or service isn’t as difficult as it used to be, but it can be very hard to get an older adult to accept the help you’ve found for them, particularly from government agencies. The older generation was raised to “pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.” Independence and self-reliance are sometimes deeply ingrained.
Adult children are sometimes torn between respecting an older adult’s desire to remain as independent as possible, but at the same time feeling responsible for the older adult’s safety and well-being. There are times that it is appropriate, and even necessary, to bring up topics older adults would rather not talk about.
To begin talking with an older adult about accepting help, a good starting place is with talking about your own feelings, concerns and needs. An example of this is: “Mom, I am worried about your going up and down the stairs because you might fall and hurt yourself. With your osteoporosis you could get badly hurt. I’d like to talk with you about hiring someone to do the laundry for you, so you don’t have to go down to the basement.” At the same time, you can bring up fears that may not have been expressed, such as “This doesn’t mean I want you to go to a nursing home. I want to help you stay in your home.” Getting the issues out on the table gives them a chance to be discussed, even though it may be uncomfortable at first.
Have your ultimate goal be: to work together with the older adult as much as possible, to create a safe and healthy living environment in which they can be as independent as they can be, given their current conditions. Each of you should have the opportunity to express your views about what the conditions are and what the needs are. Even though it is simple to see the “best solution” for someone else, your point of view might not take into consideration all of the things the older adult is considering. Encourage them to talk about it and be willing to explore how much can be accommodated within realistic limitations.
Encourage the older adult to participate in arranging for services that are needed. It is important for all of us to feel that we are in charge of our own lives, and the older adult will feel more in control if they can take part in researching, reviewing and making the final selection. If you remain understanding, compassionate and optimistic, it will rub off on the older adult.
It will not work to get caught up in a power struggle. Try to think creatively of ways to work with the older adult’s objections or hesitations, rather than arguing with them. If you feel yourself getting frustrated or impatient, take some time to calm down and reflect on ways to deal with the situation. If your company/organization sponsors our Elder Life Planning for Organizations program you can call for assistance in strategizing ways to discuss topics with an older adult, (800) 628-7649. If you would like information about how your company can enroll in the program and provide this service for it’s employees/members call (800) 375-0595.
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