by Bob O'Toole
At a certain age “home for the holidays’ may not mean “homemade pumpkin pie” as the old song promises. If you live out-of-town from your aging parents, coming home for the holidays may present some difficult realizations. Maybe the stove is left on, the refrigerator is empty or contains food that is well past the expiration date. That once spotless home is becoming cluttered, the rugs and furniture worn or stained.
As a professional in the field of aging for more than 20 years, I know that holidays are a time for families to celebrate our many blessings, but, as the widely scattered branches of the family tree come together, this is increasingly a time for family discussions that can sometimes be difficult.
When sons and daughters notice that Mom or Dad, or both, have slipped a bit, since the last time they were home, it may be time to be thinking about, and talking about, some support and assistance before a crisis occurs. Or would that be meddling in our parents affairs, especially since they haven't asked for, nor do they want our help at this point?
While we may be justifiably worried that living in their current home presents many risks to an aging parent, persuading them of this idea may be difficult. They are, after all, from a generation raised to take care of themselves... to be independent. Acknowledging dependency is hard, even when life without some help is also difficult. The very idea of having someone like a paid homemaker a few hours a day can generate feelings of loss, be perceived as an invasion of privacy or an unwelcome disruption of their routine.
The question we hear the most from concerned family members, especially at this time of year is “What should we do? Mother doesn’t want any help from “strangers’, and we live too far away to help or to keep an eye on things?”
There are several options to consider, when you are faced with this dilemma,
Are there trusted family members, neighbors, church members or friends that can serve as your “eyes and ears” and alert you if things get worse? It can’t hurt to call and ask. You may be surprised at how willing and ready others are to help. They need to be asked, because they don’t want to be seen as intruding.
1. Are there resources in the community where your parent lives such as trained volunteers, transportation services or handyman services that might fill the need and yet not make your folks feel uncomfortable or dependent?
2. Are there trusted family members, neighbors, church members or friends that can serve as your “eyes and ears” and alert you if things get worse?
It can’t hurt to call and ask. You may be surprised at how willing and ready others are to help. They need to be asked, because they don’t want to be seen as intruding.
3. Does your employer offer an “Eldercare Consultation and Referral Service?
Because research on work and life issues reveals that as America’s workforce is aging, the number of employees with eldercare responsibilities is also growing, an increasing number of employers are offering “eldercare’ or “caregiver” benefits to their employees
As the problems of working caregivers continue to expand, employers who can provide their workers with a cost effective way to address this issue will gain a competitive edge.
Workplace eldercare programs include:
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Toll free access to experienced eldercare professionals nationwide to help working caregivers navigate the complex and frustrating long term health care system.
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Affordable long term care insurance policies to pay for the staggering costs of nursing home and home health care. (Also available to family members).
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Significant discounts –nationwide-on a wide array of services and products associated with care needed for someone with a chronic illness including: Care coordination services; reduced rates at nursing homes and assisted living facilities; reduced rates for homemaker and home health services; durable medical equipment, and home modifications
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Internet based information services utilizing easy to use information tools to obtain background information on elder care providers from facilities to home health care providers. Information that is updated continually.
If the help you feel is needed is not available from the informal networks listed above, consider retaining the services of a Private Geriatric Care Manager. These professionals charge for their services but the cost can be well worth it...and may even save your parents, and you, from an avoidable crisis. Most are professional social workers or nurses with extensive experience. Their knowledge of local resources can prove to be of great value to older people and their families in the coordination of home care, facility care, community support alternatives care and how to finance those options. The care manager can serve as a consultant, an advisor, a mediator, an advocate, a problem solver and even be a “family surrogate” when concerned family members can’t be nearby. Services range from a one time consultation, and development of an action plan, to ongoing monitoring and care management for the older person when necessary.
It may not be easy to take that first step to seek outside help, but the result will be improved quality of care, reduction of stress, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing we are acting out of concern for our elder’s well-being. Frequently professional or volunteer caregivers become like friends or family. Frequently the intervention of a volunteer or paid caregiver results in a noticeable improvement, increased independence, better sleep and improved nutrition.
As family caregivers, we are often baffled at how readily our aging parents will follow the very same suggestions we made to improve their safety and well being, when they are made from an “outsider”. Care managers see this all the time, not just with our clients, but also with our own aging family members. Why/ Because no matter how old we are now, how much experience and education we have, we are still Mom and Dad’s “little girl or boy”. It’s hard to take direction and advice from our ‘children’. When that advice and support comes from someone outside the family those uncomfortable feelings of “being a burden” are less likely to be present.
If you really want to make some changes that are clearly in your elder’s best interest, try presenting your idea in the form of a gift or service. You can say, “Mom, it seems like keeping up this big house is becoming a chore for you. Would you like to have some help with that?” And then see what the response is. You can then offer a monthly cleaning service as a gift from all of the family to make her life easier. Your aging parent may be more willing to accept something as a gift rather than being “taken care of by their child”.
RESOURCES FOR FAMILY CAREGIVERS OF AGING PARENTS
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National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers: www.caremanager.org
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Fact Sheet: Elder Life Planning for Worksites and Organizations -- (800) 375-0595 / http://www.eldercareatwork.com/
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The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (www.naela.org) provides a resource of information, education, with legal services to the elderly and disabled.
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National Alliance for Caregiving - The National Alliance for Caregiving is a non-profit joint venture created to support family caregivers of the elderly and the professionals who serve them. http://www.caregiving.org/.
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Elderlifeplanning.com is a user-friendly resource for information about caring for aging parents and finding the most appropriate resources such as: home health care, assisted living, community day programs, and nursing homes http://www.elderlifeplanning.com.
Robert E. O’Toole, LICSW, is President of Informed Eldercare Decisions, Inc., a private company specializing in elder life planning. He is a former editor of the Geriatric Care Management Journal and a contributing writer to Health Care Without Medicare.
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