As parents age and the responsibility for caregiving falls on the adult children, it is not unusual for family issues that may have been dormant for decades, to suddenly re-appear. Personality differences and individual styles, added to unresolved issues from the past, move from the background into the foreground. Old family conflicts and unresolved issues can get in the way of providing the best care for an older family member.
For caregiving to be truly effective, it is important for families to work on the issues or conflicts that are getting in the way. This will require an open discussion of the problems. A family meeting may be in order, and it may require the services of an uninvolved facilitator or mediator to provide the opportunity for a fair and frank discussion, and a plan for how to resolve differences.
It helps to remember that even though each of the family members has grown older, each member has events that they remember from the past, things that they hope for the future, and an idea of the "right" way for things to be done. Some things that can help create a good family conversation are:
Create good family conversations…
Listening. Give each family member the opportunity to express their point of view, their feelings, and their hopes and concerns. This is just the opportunity to say what is on each person's mind. Other family members should try to put themselves in the person's shoes, listen without being defensive, evaluating, or correcting what the person is saying.
Disclosing. Don't expect other people to know what you are thinking or feeling. Say what is on your mind using "I" to begin your sentences, such as "I am sad because Mom can't seem to make this decision on her own" or "I remember when Dad sat in that chair to read us stories, and I feel very attached to it." Resist the temptation to accuse, blame, or assign fault to other people.
Looking for solutions. Participate in the conversation from a solution-seeking perspective. Look for ways to find compromise, identify problems and seek ways to resolve them. Ask "what can we do about this?" and try to use people's suggestions.
Expecting to be emotional. The losses involved with an aging family member are hard. Issues of aging and caregiving are emotional issues. Other members of your family will feel emotional, too. Take responsibility for your feelings, take good care of yourself, and seek emotional support from people you trust. If you disagree with a plan of care, or a decision that is being made, express your disagreement without accusing or blaming. Give your reasons for disagreeing, and work toward solution of the disagreement.
Remembering to laugh. It is easy to get caught up in the seriousness of the situation that your family is facing, and forget to have fun together. Remember funny things that happened in your family, celebrate your uniqueness as a family, and remember that no family is perfect.
The outcome of a good, constructive family meeting will be a clearing of the air, so that the older adult can receive the family love and care that they deserve.
Reprinted by permission from, Sound Options, Inc. (SOI)
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